City of Barnia – day two

Me, the freaking crazy overdosed fan of Ben Barnes is planning to stay longer in the city of Barnia, so from her room she called the toll-free number written on the city info paper placed on the desk.

the Prince

* husky warm voice* “hello, good morning, this is Ben speaking, may I help you?”

* hyperventilated* “rrrr good morning Ben, this is me again. I called yesterday for information and had visited the City Center and Ben’s shop yesterday as per your guidance.” *Exhale* I need more info on where to go for today”.

* chuckled* “ah, I remember you. Hope you enjoy your tour yesterday mam. Well, for today, next to the Ben’s building, we have a large Ben’s technology exhibition, you can find lots of Ben’s gadget there. It might be interesting for you mam”

the Prince

* still in his warm friendly baritone voice* ” or, if you’re interested in modern and fashion updates, this afternoon at the Plaza, you can join the Barnia Fashion Show. You will see the latest Ben’s fashion collections from famous designers. It’s free of charge mam”.


* again, in almost fainted voice* “rrrrrr Ben, does the city provide a tour guide? I think it’s a lot more easier to go with a tour guide, rather than to call the information every single day”

* warmly laughs* (imagine Ben Barnes’ heart-warming laughter) “Of course we do mam, please check our city website, you can choose one of the tour guides online. Have a nice tour day mam, a pleasure talking to you”.

* exhale deeply* okay Ben, thank you”. After she hung up the phone and still in a very difficult time to exhale after the conversation, the freaking crazy overdosed fan went down to the media center and check the city website. She found the required information that made her almost fell from her chair, about the city tour and the tour guide.

the Prince

She decided that she need friends to accompany her touring the city. It’s not easy to have a city tour, alone with a mesmerizing-heart-melting chaperon and tour guide like BEN..

These are what I had in mind when I looked at his pictures. My writings is just my point of view, my own analysis to comfort my feelings.

City of Barnia – day one

As one of the freaking crazy overdosed fan of Ben Barnes, it’s a common thing to have a simple wish. A city, where I can see more of Ben. Under the imaginary writing category, I pour out my obsession to live in that city. The city called Barnia ^_^

a benfan (me) arrived in the City of Barnia. Since she’s new in that city, she contacted the number posted on the information board in front of her hotel and started the conversation with the city information officer

the Prince

“Am I speaking to Ben?

*in his husky baritone warm voice* “Yes mam, this is Ben speaking. How can I help you?”

*little trembled voice* “Can I have more info about exciting places in this city?”

*still in his husky baritone warm voice* “Of course mam. I’ll be delightful to offer you the City Center of Barnia, where you can see the marvelous Ben’s building. I suggest you to go there after sunset, so you can see all the remarkable lights too.”

the Prince

*in his friendly-smiley-heart-melting voice* “or you can go to the plaza near there, you can find the Ben’s shop where you can buy all of your Ben’s stuffs needed for your holiday in Barnia City.


* almost in fainting voice* “I think I will go as you suggested. I will call back if I need more information”

*in his friendly-smiley-heart-melting voice* “with pleasure mam. Enjoy your tour. I will wait for your next call”

and me, the freaking crazy overdosed Benfan, decided to postpone her tour in the city. She needs to calm herself down first, before being able to go and see the suggested objects.

Those are what I had in mind when I looked at his pictures. My writings is just my point of view, my own analysis to comfort my feelings.

My love for Kristen starting from forever and ending at never.

I can’t sleep. I was sitting on the couch in the dark living room. I tried very hard to close my eyes, but I still can’t. It was almost 5 am. I looked at my tight schedule for November. From one interview to another, from one show to another, alone. Without Kristen. I felt a hollow in my lungs. I didn’t like the feelings. Though I would be with her during our visit to Tokyo and Paris, but I still don’t think it would be enough. Well, Paris is promising, but I still can’t close my eyes.

Kristen is still sleeping. I stood up, walked slowly to our room, took a peek to see her. I was still wondering, how I could enjoy my new habit. Seeing her sleeping. Exactly just like Edward loves to see Bella in her sleep. She’s very beautiful. Her creamy skin glowed under the tender lights. My angel, my love. I went closer to our bed, bent my self to give her a light kiss on her forehead. Then I moved back. I shut the door slowly, back to my couch. Sitting. Thinking about another annoying thing. My last conversation with Jackson. We were out together with Kellan. Jackson decided to stay a bit longer after Kellan left.

He told me about his feelings. He was a little bit sad because he could not go further on his relationship with Ashley, but he already got it over and actually he was happy too because I was luckier with Kristen. “You just getting closer and better with Kristen each time I met you Rob”, he said. I was just smiling. Then he asked me one question that strokes my nerves. “Do you really think you can keep your relationship with her after the whole saga end, Rob?”. It was not usual. Usually Jackson was the one who hold his words. I raised my eyebrows, “what’s all about Jacks, what kind of question is that?”. He stared at me, quite a moment, exhaled, “I wonder Rob. What exactly the reason of the closeness. Do you really attracted then fell for her because you really find something different in her or your role as Edward influenced you very deep till you can’t separate your real feeling anymore?”. “No need to answer me now, I gotta go. My only wish, be really sure about your feelings for Kristen. Don’t let any false feelings jeopardize your role , we’re having Breaking Dawn on our path”. He stood up, said goodbye and left, leaving me alone with his question.

I heard Kristen open the door’s room. “Rob..” her husky sleepy voice called me. “Where are you?” She turned on the light. I smiled at her, waved my hand, and invited her to come closer. She moved slowly, sleepy, sat next to me and put her head on my chest, her arms around my waist. “Rob, what are you doing here? Why didn’t you sleep?” “What time that Jackson left?” I smiled, took her chin, brought her face to see mine. “Which question do you want me to answer first, love?” She’s yawning, “As you like Rob, I just need to know why are you sitting here, alone in the dark”. “Jackson left around midnight; he sent his hugs for you” I stopped, stared at her eyes. The beautiful angel eyes I love most. She touched my cheek. “What’s wrong Rob? You look different, something is bothering you”. I released her face, re-positioned my body, and brought her closer to my build. “Did you see the cover magazine Kristen, the one about our break ups?”

She yawned, “Yes, I saw it. What about it? It didn’t bother me at all Rob. It was not true, just as before”. “I never thought about that either before, love. But, have you ever think about the reasons you’re here with me?”.

She pulled herself from mine. “What’s wrong Rob? What are you saying here?” I took a deep breath, “Why do you love me, Kristen?” She looked a bit surprised with my question. “What’s wrong, Rob? Why are you asking this question? Is Jackson has something to do with your question?” I nodded my head. “He was wondering my reasons about my feelings for you. Do I love you because I love you, or do I love you because I could not separate my real feeling from Edward’s”. She pulled herself, fully opened her eyes. “You remember last month Rob, I asked you about your love. Do you love me because I am beautiful, or am I beautiful because you love me? None of us answered the question, but I was very sure that I am beautiful because you love me not the other way around”. I remembered that day. I remembered it very well. We were on photo shoot for a magazine. If I ever said that she’s beautiful, I was wrong, because on that day, she’s more than just beautiful. She was gorgeous. I think because I love her, I could see her better than any other people. I see her with my heart, not with my eyes. I remembered my ear to ear smile, expressing my feelings. It was so easy to pose under the instructions.


So when she asked me that question, during the breaks, I didn’t feel like answering. My eyes and my heart were over excited. I expressed my reaction by hugging her tightly, thanking her for her compliment. I could remember how satisfied I was, because my love for her made her beautiful.

I sensed her hand on the locks of my hair, bring me back to our conversation “Now that question goes to another one for you Rob, do you love me because I am Kristen, or do you love me because you see me as Bella?” “What will be your answer Rob?” I took her right hand, brought it to my chest, “You know Kristen, the very reason I decided to go for Twilight audition was because you would be the leading role. I was crazy delightful when Catherine decided, well, after you, my sweet angel, gave your little pressure to her, to gave me the role as Edward. I never imagined that my feeling would grow bigger for you. I fell quite hard over you, Kristen. I believe my growing feeling was the ultimate reason for acting normal as Edward. It was very easy to act as brooding vampire who would do anything for his love, because as me, that was what I felt. I would do anything to have you”.

“When time passed by, I frequently asked myself the same question, do I love you because of me or because Edward’s character took my feelings too deep. But you know, I’ve been waiting for quite long before you decided to trust me and took me as the love of your life. At this moment, I am sure I love you as Kristen not as Bella”. I took her face, planted my kiss to her soft lips, after a few moments, I pulled my lips from her, “I would ask you another question too, if you love me as Kristen, would you love me like Bella loves Edward?” “Would your feeling for me last forever?” She smiled, caressed my cheek slowly with her index fingers down to my chin, my neck, my chest, opened her other finger and put the warm palm there, “Do you really think you can love me like Edward loves Bella, Rob?” I was silent for a moment. I set my eyes to hers, “I am not Edward, love. I can’t live forever, but my heart knows, my love for you is a journey. It starting from forever and ending at never. Would it be enough for you?” She didn’t answer. She just bent her body, put her cheek onto my chest. “Somebody wants you, needs you, dreams about you every single night, I can’t breathe. Do you know what lonely is Rob? It’s my life without you”. I hugged her. The sun started to raise, a new day, a new commitment for our relationship.

Tokyo was great, as usual. I love the fans, but Paris was something else. The ambient gave different experience, probably because I was in Paris, the most romantic city in the world not only with my friend, but I was in Paris with Kristen, the love of my life. I smiled every time Kristen stood near me. It was very easy to face the crowds. Just thinking about our last conversation, then I will widely smile.

Days passed very quick. We were heading back. I still walked on the clouds, very happy with Paris. Kristen was walking with me to our private jet. Suddenly, I felt her hands on mine. I didn’t say anything, but my smile was getting wider. Kristen never did that simple yet intimate gesture if we were not in our private sanctuary. But she did it now.


We are ready to tell the world, we are lovers. I have my answer for Jackson, I will tell him when I meet him. My love for Kristen is because she’s Kristen not because she’s Bella. I am not Edward, but I can love her like Edward loves Bella. It won’t be necessary anymore to hide our relationship. Kristen is every reason, every hope and every dream I’ve ever had. No matter what happens in the future, every day we were together was the greatest day of my life.

These are what I had in mind when I looked at the pictures. My writings is just my point of view, my own analysis.

Disclaimer: All photographs and manips used in this blog are belongs to their rightful owners. No infringement intended

The moment I brand her as the love of my life

It was during the Vanity Fair photo shoot. Since the first time I got the call on that, without warning, I got more excited. The opportunity came at critical time of my relationship with Kristen. I couldn’t hold my feelings for Kristen anymore but I still not able to do anything. I still not feel comfortable to become the home-wrecker and Kristen still not sure about her feeling for me.

When we started the photo shoot with all the casts, it was fun. But I knew one thing, I can’t set my eyes off of her. Kristen was ultimately beautiful. The black dress combined with her sneakers, she’s really got all my attention. We started to tease to each other. I really tried hard to hold my hands from touching her. Though in my heart, to all of my needs, I want to grab her, brought her to my arm and started to kiss her passionately.


But to my astonishment, our scenes are more than just friendly photo shoot. When she looked at me, with her warm angelic eyes, with her dreamy expression, I felt my heart growing. When she brought her warm build closer to my back and put her warm cheek onto my shoulder, I started to smile. But when she brought her fingers to my arm under my shirt, I felt my whole build shiver. I wish she didn’t do that. I couldn’t bear my feeling. I realized later, after the pictures came out. My serious expression not came from the instruction. But totally my way to keep my self from dragging her to my lap and start doing anything I ever dreamed before. Though I knew she was torturing me, but I love to have her that close.


When I was instructed to carry her and bring her as close as possible, I felt my heart growing even bigger. Carry her and hold her as close as possible? It was not difficult to do. Since the first time I met her, I knew we had the chemistry. I knew I could fall for her. Having her in my arms were becoming my obsession. It just flows. When she jumped and gripped her legs to my waist, once she’s in my arms, the whole thing became clouded. It was only me and Kristen. When she started to put her soft cheek to my forehead, I knew things were getting harder. It was too much to bear. I could sense her. Her soft build and her aroma made me hyperventilating. But I remember one thing that I kept telling myself, I must not carried over. With great difficulty, I dragged my focus back to the photographer. When it’s over, it’s over and I have to put her down, I must do it smoothly. But then, I heard additional instruction. “Take your face to her chin, closer, make it real Rob”. Make it real? What the hell is that? The photographer asked me to make it real? Real for what?

In horror, I turned my head, faced her sweet and lean chin I adore much. What should I do to make it real? My heart for her was real. My feeling for her was real, but the other thing was not. We’re still not ready to bring our feelings out to surface. But then I realized, before this, there are no one could endure my tormented heart. Before, I tied my heart only to myself. Now, when I have her here, I felt every anxiety and lonely tears gone. She made me questioning my reasons. She’s made me searching about the feeling. I didn’t understand, would it be the same if I met someone else. Then her smile woke me up, she might not be my first love, but she’s the love of my life. So I did that. I kissed her. I Kissed her with all of my heart in front of the crowds.


I knew, for the others, our chemistry were amusing. Soothing their eyes. But for me, it was the moment I brand her as the love of my life. The turning point of my life. It was the moment I decided, I love her and I will not give up. I will stop only if Kristen asks me. If she’s not, I will stay at my place. Besides her, the love of my life.

These are what I had in mind when I looked at the pictures. Whatever the true story behind the wide-spread pictures & newest gossip, within the next few days and months, my writings is just my point of view, my own analysis.

Disclaimer: All photographs used in this blog are belongs to everglow