Author Archives: toebildonk

About toebildonk

In my little magical world, I am a Major of Barnia City, a Barnian writer and a Gengster Alien subber. I write to share my feelings, my opinion, my thoughts.

My love for Kristen starting from forever and ending at never.

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I can’t sleep. I was sitting on the couch in the dark living room. I tried very hard to close my eyes, but I still can’t. It was almost 5 am. I looked at my tight schedule for November. From one interview to another, from one show to another, alone. Without Kristen. I felt a hollow in my lungs. I didn’t like the feelings. Though I would be with her during our visit to Tokyo and Paris, but I still don’t think it would be enough. Well, Paris is promising, but I still can’t close my eyes.

Kristen is still sleeping. I stood up, walked slowly to our room, took a peek to see her. I was still wondering, how I could enjoy my new habit. Seeing her sleeping. Exactly just like Edward loves to see Bella in her sleep. She’s very beautiful. Her creamy skin glowed under the tender lights. My angel, my love. I went closer to our bed, bent my self to give her a light kiss on her forehead. Then I moved back. I shut the door slowly, back to my couch. Sitting. Thinking about another annoying thing. My last conversation with Jackson. We were out together with Kellan. Jackson decided to stay a bit longer after Kellan left.

He told me about his feelings. He was a little bit sad because he could not go further on his relationship with Ashley, but he already got it over and actually he was happy too because I was luckier with Kristen. “You just getting closer and better with Kristen each time I met you Rob”, he said. I was just smiling. Then he asked me one question that strokes my nerves. “Do you really think you can keep your relationship with her after the whole saga end, Rob?”. It was not usual. Usually Jackson was the one who hold his words. I raised my eyebrows, “what’s all about Jacks, what kind of question is that?”. He stared at me, quite a moment, exhaled, “I wonder Rob. What exactly the reason of the closeness. Do you really attracted then fell for her because you really find something different in her or your role as Edward influenced you very deep till you can’t separate your real feeling anymore?”. “No need to answer me now, I gotta go. My only wish, be really sure about your feelings for Kristen. Don’t let any false feelings jeopardize your role , we’re having Breaking Dawn on our path”. He stood up, said goodbye and left, leaving me alone with his question.

I heard Kristen open the door’s room. “Rob..” her husky sleepy voice called me. “Where are you?” She turned on the light. I smiled at her, waved my hand, and invited her to come closer. She moved slowly, sleepy, sat next to me and put her head on my chest, her arms around my waist. “Rob, what are you doing here? Why didn’t you sleep?” “What time that Jackson left?” I smiled, took her chin, brought her face to see mine. “Which question do you want me to answer first, love?” She’s yawning, “As you like Rob, I just need to know why are you sitting here, alone in the dark”. “Jackson left around midnight; he sent his hugs for you” I stopped, stared at her eyes. The beautiful angel eyes I love most. She touched my cheek. “What’s wrong Rob? You look different, something is bothering you”. I released her face, re-positioned my body, and brought her closer to my build. “Did you see the cover magazine Kristen, the one about our break ups?”

She yawned, “Yes, I saw it. What about it? It didn’t bother me at all Rob. It was not true, just as before”. “I never thought about that either before, love. But, have you ever think about the reasons you’re here with me?”.

She pulled herself from mine. “What’s wrong Rob? What are you saying here?” I took a deep breath, “Why do you love me, Kristen?” She looked a bit surprised with my question. “What’s wrong, Rob? Why are you asking this question? Is Jackson has something to do with your question?” I nodded my head. “He was wondering my reasons about my feelings for you. Do I love you because I love you, or do I love you because I could not separate my real feeling from Edward’s”. She pulled herself, fully opened her eyes. “You remember last month Rob, I asked you about your love. Do you love me because I am beautiful, or am I beautiful because you love me? None of us answered the question, but I was very sure that I am beautiful because you love me not the other way around”. I remembered that day. I remembered it very well. We were on photo shoot for a magazine. If I ever said that she’s beautiful, I was wrong, because on that day, she’s more than just beautiful. She was gorgeous. I think because I love her, I could see her better than any other people. I see her with my heart, not with my eyes. I remembered my ear to ear smile, expressing my feelings. It was so easy to pose under the instructions.

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So when she asked me that question, during the breaks, I didn’t feel like answering. My eyes and my heart were over excited. I expressed my reaction by hugging her tightly, thanking her for her compliment. I could remember how satisfied I was, because my love for her made her beautiful.

I sensed her hand on the locks of my hair, bring me back to our conversation “Now that question goes to another one for you Rob, do you love me because I am Kristen, or do you love me because you see me as Bella?” “What will be your answer Rob?” I took her right hand, brought it to my chest, “You know Kristen, the very reason I decided to go for Twilight audition was because you would be the leading role. I was crazy delightful when Catherine decided, well, after you, my sweet angel, gave your little pressure to her, to gave me the role as Edward. I never imagined that my feeling would grow bigger for you. I fell quite hard over you, Kristen. I believe my growing feeling was the ultimate reason for acting normal as Edward. It was very easy to act as brooding vampire who would do anything for his love, because as me, that was what I felt. I would do anything to have you”.

“When time passed by, I frequently asked myself the same question, do I love you because of me or because Edward’s character took my feelings too deep. But you know, I’ve been waiting for quite long before you decided to trust me and took me as the love of your life. At this moment, I am sure I love you as Kristen not as Bella”. I took her face, planted my kiss to her soft lips, after a few moments, I pulled my lips from her, “I would ask you another question too, if you love me as Kristen, would you love me like Bella loves Edward?” “Would your feeling for me last forever?” She smiled, caressed my cheek slowly with her index fingers down to my chin, my neck, my chest, opened her other finger and put the warm palm there, “Do you really think you can love me like Edward loves Bella, Rob?” I was silent for a moment. I set my eyes to hers, “I am not Edward, love. I can’t live forever, but my heart knows, my love for you is a journey. It starting from forever and ending at never. Would it be enough for you?” She didn’t answer. She just bent her body, put her cheek onto my chest. “Somebody wants you, needs you, dreams about you every single night, I can’t breathe. Do you know what lonely is Rob? It’s my life without you”. I hugged her. The sun started to raise, a new day, a new commitment for our relationship.

Tokyo was great, as usual. I love the fans, but Paris was something else. The ambient gave different experience, probably because I was in Paris, the most romantic city in the world not only with my friend, but I was in Paris with Kristen, the love of my life. I smiled every time Kristen stood near me. It was very easy to face the crowds. Just thinking about our last conversation, then I will widely smile.

Days passed very quick. We were heading back. I still walked on the clouds, very happy with Paris. Kristen was walking with me to our private jet. Suddenly, I felt her hands on mine. I didn’t say anything, but my smile was getting wider. Kristen never did that simple yet intimate gesture if we were not in our private sanctuary. But she did it now.

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We are ready to tell the world, we are lovers. I have my answer for Jackson, I will tell him when I meet him. My love for Kristen is because she’s Kristen not because she’s Bella. I am not Edward, but I can love her like Edward loves Bella. It won’t be necessary anymore to hide our relationship. Kristen is every reason, every hope and every dream I’ve ever had. No matter what happens in the future, every day we were together was the greatest day of my life.

These are what I had in mind when I looked at the pictures. My writings is just my point of view, my own analysis.

Disclaimer: All photographs and manips used in this blog are belongs to their rightful owners. No infringement intended

Piece of my heart for Robert Pattinson & Ben Barnes

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I might not one of the devoted fans or the fanatics, but about these two alluring British actors, I am curious about the future of their career. Because they’re both British, multi-talented, have the look that could captivate much attention and entering the world of fame through the same door, movie adaptation from novel. Not saying that I would have a chance to tell them my opinions personally, but this part is only my wish to their life and career.

I knew, this last part might piss some of Robert fans off. But I wrote this because I see things that according to my mature opinion, could impact Robert’s career in the future. My opinion here is sincere and came from pure heart. I do care about his career.

I am fully aware that, even though Robert started his acting career earlier than Ben, he was not that ready to be catapulted to a sudden fame after his role in Twilight. Rob was already very famous at age of 22, when Ben entered his fame at the age of 26 and not catapulted as bad as Rob. But I must admit too, by the age of 26, Ben was mature enough to manage his personal life and to face the crazy world of fame.

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Ben admitted, though the role as strikingly handsome narcissist Dorian Gray was seriously hot, he hasn’t got it half as bad as poor old Robert Pattinson as drop-dead gorgeous Edward Cullen. Ben gets off pretty lightly.

After the catapulted stardom, Rob started to lose his personal life. I didn’t know was it because of his shy character or because he’s fed up with the situation, it was rare opportunity to see him laugh or smile during public appearance. While Ben, who was older and I believe more mature too, found no difficulties to laugh anytime a camera caught his expression. (Actually, it was difficult for me to find Ben’s picture without his smile during public appearances)

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— Both pictures were taken on September 2009 —

My wish for Robert Pattinson, he could reach his maturity in time. It would be necessary to balance his professional and personal life. He will need all supports from his family and friends.

I have seen both of them smoking for their role in Little Ashes and Bigga than Ben, probably also for their role in other movies. But smoking was one of Rob’s habits that really made me worry. It was common to see Rob with his cigarette. To make it fair enough, I tried to dig more pictures of Ben off screen, but it seems like smoking was not his off-screen habits, or probably he’s good in hiding it ^_*. There were still possibilities in the next few days, I would see a picture of Ben Barnes smoking or even drunk at public area. Who knows 😀

Though I wrote once that Rob’s chiseled jaw line could make smoking and sipping beer look sexy, but combination of smoking and alcohol was not a good habits. It was a common knowledge that smoking and alcohol could ruin the beauty of your skin. Not to mentioned its impact to your health.

I don’t really know. Is it really because Ben lives healthier life than Rob, or because he has that “genes” to look younger than his age, but with 5 years of age difference, Ben looks almost as same age as Rob. Again, no offense, this is purely my personal opinion

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Another wish for Robert Pattinson, he must quit his smoking habits to gain healthier life so he could stay longer and focus to his career.

I could not tell the length of time of their career or their captivating looks would be enough for their career or not. But for long-life acting career, they need more than just perfect good looks. Most of the Oscar winner actors like Al Pacino, Robert De Niro, Sean Penn, don’t have “the amazingly stunning look”. But they’re high-class actors, the award-winning actors. Their names are guarantee to a quality movie. That make them exist till today.

My hope on Rob’s career remain the same. Rob is still 23 years old, still has long way to go. If he could manage to use his time properly, not letting all the fame go to his head, balancing his professional and personal life, carefully choose his roles, he could explore more. He could even achieve higher success and stay longer in this business.

Ben, although he is grateful for the career boost, was worried about becoming famous for his good looks and not his acting skills. I knew that Ben must also explore and carefully choose his role, so he can keep his career as long as possible. But I also knew that he’s more ready than Rob, he’s older, mature and more equipped by his acting background. If he kept his track like before, he could gain his ultimate career in the following years.

I wouldn’t know what will happen to both of these British multi-talented actors in the following months. I might be surprised by their news, but for now I would be happy to follow the news on their acting career and wish the best for them.

I write so I can share what I see through my heart, my personal point of view and my own analysisThank you for following my blogs and spent your time to read it.

Disclaimer: All photographs used in this blog are belongs to their rightful owners.